"The Stolen Bicycle" was a Seinfeld episode I wrote back in 1994.  I never intended to sell it or anything.  It was actually written to be performed by a bunch of my co-workers at IBM/Loral, but we never did.  Mona was going to be Elaine; Ken, Vranko and I were going to play the male roles, but we never figured out who would play which character.  I think I was going to end up being Jerry, but Kramer always has the best part.  I'm not sure exactly how we planned to do the crowd scenes....

 


 

"The Stolen Bicycle"
A Seinfeld episode
by Chris Gleason


First Draft
August 20, 1994


ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. THE RESTAURANT -- DAY

JERRY, ELAINE and KRAMER are sitting around a table, eating. Jerry is sitting next to Elaine. GEORGE, dressed in sweaty gym clothes, enters the restaurant. He makes his way, painfully, to the table. He acts as if every muscle in his body refuses to work.

ELAINE
What's wrong, George?

GEORGE
(in a hoarse, whispery voice)
Nothing. Nothing at all.

JERRY
It's Gloria.

ELAINE
Gloria? Who's she?

JERRY
George's new girlfriend. She's an athlete.

ELAINE
What kind of athlete?

GEORGE
I don't know exactly.

KRAMER
(eating something)
She's a generic brand athlete.

GEORGE
(trying to sit down)
She's killing me! She's killing me!

ELAINE
George, if she's killing you with exercise, why do you still go out with her?

George slides into the booth, next to Kramer.

GEORGE
She's in perfect physical shape.

ELAINE
So?

JERRY
It's every man's dream to go out with a woman in perfect, physical shape.

ELAINE
Really?

George and Jerry nod. Kramer shakes his whole body.

KRAMER
(to Elaine)
Yep!

Kramer finishes off what's on his plate.

KRAMER
Well, gotta go!

JERRY
Have you found out Marlena's last name yet?

ELAINE
You've been dating a woman for two weeks and you don't even know what her last name is?

KRAMER
Yeah!
(pause)
Isn't that great!

JERRY
(to Elaine)
He still doesn't know anything about her.

ELAINE
I don't believe it.

JERRY
(to Elaine)
Watch.
(to Kramer)
So, K-Man, where'd you meet her?

KRAMER
I don't know.

ELAINE
(angry)
How can you not remember where you met a woman you've only been dating for two weeks?

KRAMER
She comes up to me and says, "I know you from somewhere, don't I?" and I say, "I'm Kramer."--I mean, I am.

ELAINE
What did she say?

KRAMER
She says, "Of course you are."

Kramer gets up to leave.

KRAMER
She's a mystery woman! A mystery woman!

GEORGE
Aren't they all?

KRAMER
(nodding)
She's more so!

Kramer leaves. George starts groaning. He rubs various muscle groups as he moans. Jerry and Elaine are sort of sickened by this.

GEORGE
What am I going to do, Jerry? She's killing me. First it's jogging, then racquetball, then weightlifting. All in the same day!
(pause)
Isn't there some kind of one-exercise-per-day rule?

JERRY
George, if you want physical perfection, you gotta go for the gusto!

GEORGE
Tomorrow we are going to bike down to Battery Park.

JERRY
Biking? Do you need to borrow my bike?

GEORGE
No, my mother bought me a bike. Ever since that Glamour incident, she encourages me in anything that keeps me out of the house.

ELAINE
Is this woman worth all this pain?

GEORGE
Well, she is in perfect physical condition....

DAVE Roberts, a tall, clean-cut, good-looking policeman, enters the restaurant to pick up a take-out order. He doesn't notice our group at the table.

ELAINE
A good body? Physical beauty? Is that all you care about? You are so shallow...
(noticing Dave)
hey, who is that?

Jerry grabs a menu and tries to hide behind it.

JERRY
Oh no! The Hall Monitor! It's the Hall Monitor!

ELAINE
Who?

Dave sees Jerry, who plays down the fact that he was hiding.

DAVE
Jerry?

JERRY
(being nice)
Dave! How are you? How long has it been?

DAVE
It's been a couple of years.

Dave takes special notice of Elaine. Elaine notices him back.

JERRY
Dave Roberts, these are my friends George and...and...

Elaine elbows Jerry in the ribs.

JERRY
Elaine!
(he mouths the word "Ow!")
Dave and I used to go to P.S.38 together when we were kids.

DAVE
Boy, that was a long time ago!

JERRY
(wistful)
Yeah.

DAVE
I'd love to catch up, Jerry, but I gotta go.
(to George)
Nice to meet you...
(to Elaine)
...and nice to meet you.

ELAINE
Ditto.

Dave leaves the restaurant.

ELAINE
Wow. He's cute!

JERRY
No he's not, Miss Dittohead! That's the Hall Monitor! The Hall Monitor! We must flee before he gets back!

ELAINE
The Hall Monitor?

JERRY
He was the hall monitor back at P.S.38. He told on me! I was late getting back to class and he reported me!
(pissed off)
That goody two-shoes.

ELAINE
Jerry, that was years ago. Besides, he's cute!

JERRY
Sometimes a job just fits a person's personality. He was born to be the Hall Monitor. Just like George Washington was born to be a president.

GEORGE
Just like Bugs was born to be a bunny!

Jerry and Elaine look at George.


JERRY
Yeah, just like George was born to be a...
(pause, then to Elaine)
Maybe Dave did change.


TRANSITION


INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -- DAY

GEORGE, dressed in bicycle shorts and shirt is pacing around the apartment. JERRY and ELAINE are listening to him. Perhaps they are munching on something.

GEORGE
(shouting and gesturing)
It was stolen! Stolen, Jerry! Right out from under my nose! Stolen!

JERRY
Tell us what! Tell us what!

GEORGE
(gesturing at his clothes)
Does this give you any idea?

ELAINE
Oh no! Your bike!

GEORGE
Yep. The bike I just paid 450 of my mother's dollars for.

JERRY
Tell us what happened.

GEORGE
Gloria the athlete and I had just biked to Battery Park. We were heading back and stopped at the UN. Some diplomat was mugged by another diplomat. There were firemen, policemen, reporters. Channel 10 was there with a TV camera. We stopped to watch. When I turned around--BOOM!--my bike was gone!

JERRY
If a diplomat mugs a diplomat, which one has diplomatic immunity?

KRAMER enters, doing a Kramer through the door.

KRAMER
Hey, did you hear? The garbage men are going on strike again.

JERRY
And George's bike got stolen!

KRAMER
The fiends!

JERRY
Did you lock it, George?

GEORGE
Yeah. With a combination lock.

KRAMER
Shoulda got a Kryptonite.

GEORGE
That's what Gloria the athlete has.

ELAINE
Hey! We should call Dave Roberts; he's a cop!

JERRY
No! No! Not the Hall Monitor!

ELAINE
(to George, hopeful)
You didn't tell the police already, did you?

GEORGE
No. All the police there were too busy betting on the diplomats.


ELAINE
(to Jerry)
Can we call him, please, please, can we call him?

JERRY
Yo're making a big mistake, Elaine. A big mistake!

TRANSITION

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET -- DAY

We follow Kramer as he is walking along a street full of bags of garbage. He is making faces at the revolting smell. Up ahead he spies a group of garbage men carrying pickets. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend, MARLENA, talking to a group of garbage men. Although she is dressed most stylishly, unlike the striking garbage men, she appears to be giving them orders. They nod their heads as she speaks and we pick up some final words as Kramer approaches.

MARLENA
...and we'll bring this city to its...
(noticing Kramer)
oh, hi, Kramer!

She walks away from the garbage men without giving them a second thought.

MARLENA
Where are we going to dinner tonight?

KRAMER
(looking back at garbage men)
So, you're a garbage man?

MARLENA
(confused)
No.
(why would he ask that?)

KRAMER
Work for the union?

MARLENA
No.


KRAMER
(to himself, smiling)
Mystery!

TRANSITION

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

Officer Dave has arrived at the apartment. He is asking George some questions and taking notes. Elaine is watching Dave.

DAVE
So did you have the bike locked?

GEORGE
(with guilt)
Yes, with a combination lock.

DAVE
Shoulda got a Kryptonite.

George throws up his hands.

DAVE
What were you doing when your bike was stolen.

GEORGE
We were watching the diplomats fight at the UN.
(sees Dave's confused look)
We were at the UN. There was a fight. We tried to get on TV.

JERRY
(looking at watch)
Hey! You said Channel 10 right? It's time for the Channel 10 news.

GEORGE
Turn it on! Maybe Gloria and I got on TV!

They all move around to the TV. Elaine moves next to Dave.

DAVE
Who's Gloria?

ELAINE
The athlete.

Jerry turns the TV on. We hear a NEWSMAN'S VOICE.

NEWSMAN'S VOICE
The United Nations was the scene of a fracas today as two diplomats stood toe-to-toe.

JERRY
This is it!

GEORGE
Shhhh!

CUT TO:

INSERT -- JERRY'S TELEVISION

We see on Jerry's television a mob of people standing around. You can't really tell what is going on. In the foreground, partially blocking the shot is George's bald head.

JERRY'S VOICE
(tentatively)
Is that you, George?

GEORGE'S VOICE
(happy)
Yeah, that's me!

The view on the screen moves around; the cameraman is panning the crowd. At one point we see a woman pushing a bicycle away from the crowd.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

ANGLE on George, Jerry, Dave and Elaine watching television.

GEORGE
There's my bike! There's my bike!

JERRY
Wait a minute. That's Marlena!

ELAINE
What?

DAVE
Who?

JERRY
The girl stealing your bike is Kramer's girlfriend. The mystery woman! The mystery woman!

ELAINE
(yelling)
This is great! We'll get Kramer to tell us where she lives! You can go get her, Dave.

JERRY
(through gritted teeth)
Elaine, can I talk to you for a minute.

They move over to where Dave cannot hear them. They whisper just in case anyway.

JERRY
What are you doing? We can't let the Hall Monitor arrest Kramer's girlfriend!

ELAINE
What do you mean, what am I doing? She stole George's bike didn't she? We saw it with our own eyes!

JERRY
Elaine, you don't turn in another guy's girlfriend. It's against the code.

ELAINE
Code? What code?

JERRY
The guy code.

Elaine rolls her eyes.

JERRY
(continuing)
Guys just don't turn other guys' girlfriends into the police. It's just not done.

Jerry motions for George to come over.

JERRY
George, that's Marlena, Kramer's mystery woman. We can't let Dave arrest her.

GEORGE
The code.

JERRY
Yeah.

ELAINE
(shaking her head)
Dave's gonna be mad.

The three look at Dave and smile sheepishly. Dave just looks confused.

JERRY
(to Elaine)
You'll have to do something about that.

ELAINE
Me?

GEORGE
(interrupting)
But what about my bike?

JERRY
We'll tell Kramer to get it back from Marlena.
(pause)
Besides, weren't you complaining about having to exercise all of the time?

GEORGE
Yeah....

JERRY
Well now you have the perfect excuse to stop exercising!

GEORGE
(thinking about it)
Yeah! You're right! My bike was stolen. This is great!

The three look up and smile again at Dave.

GEORGE
There's been a mistake. I lent my bike to a friend, the one we saw on television. I just forgot about it.

DAVE
You lent your bike...

GEORGE
Sorry.

JERRY
Yeah, we're sorry, Dave.

DAVE
You mean you called me here for nothing?

JERRY
No! Not for nothing...
(pause)
Elaine wants to ask you out.

Elaine makes an angry face at Jerry. Dave looks at Elaine

DAVE
(happy)
Okay!

ELAINE
(happy, too)
Okay!


END ACT

Go to Act Two