The Stolen Bicycle, a Seinfeld episode by Chris Gleason.
 

ACT TWO

INT GLORIA'S APARTMENT -- DAY

George and GLORIA the athlete are sitting on Gloria's sofa. Gloria is trying to pull George up off of the sofa.

GLORIA
Come on, George, let's go jogging.

GEORGE
(maintaining his composure)
Gloria, I need to talk to you a moment.

GLORIA
(still pulling)
We'll talk while we're jogging. Come on!

GEORGE
Can we please stay here and talk for a minute?

GLORIA
Well...okay.

She sits down, but she is unable to sit still. She fidgets and stretches.

GEORGE
Gloria, you know how much I love exercising with you. But ever since my bike was stolen...
(he whimpers)
I just can't go on!

He puts his face in his hands and cries. After a moment, he looks up at Gloria to see if he's getting any sympathy.

GLORIA
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, George. What you need is more exercise.

She pulls him up off the sofa. He pretends to fall and then grabs at his ankle.

GEORGE
Ow! My ankle! I think it's broken!

He hops around until Gloria grabs his injured ankle and gives it a squeeze. Now George is really in pain.

GLORIA
Come on, George. Run it off.

She leads him out of the apartment. He is now limping for real. As he leaves he repeats a word over and over:

GEORGE
Gusto... gusto... gusto... gusto...

TRANSITION

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -- DAY

Jerry is having a quiet bowl of cereal when Kramer does yet another Kramer through the door.

JERRY
Finally you show up. Where have you been?

KRAMER
I've been with Marlena.

JERRY
The mystery woman.

KRAMER
(giving the thumbs up)
Yeah...
(concerned)
Yeah... She's too much of a mystery, Jerry. She's way out there! Way, way out there!

JERRY
I'll say--she stole George's bike!

Kramer reacts to this astounding news.

KRAMER
What?

JERRY
We saw her on TV! She was taking George's bike. Why would she take George's bike?

KRAMER
You gotta help me, Jerry. First I see her plotting with the garbage men

JERRY
Garbage men?

KRAMER
(continuing)
...then she steals George's bike. What next? What next? We have to investigate. We have to find out what is going on!

JERRY
Wait a minute. What's this 'we' stuff?

KRAMER
You gotta help me, Jerry. You gotta! It's in the code.
(pause)
The guy code.

JERRY
(angry)
I know that code. I hate that code.

TRANSITION

INT. JERRY'S CAR -- DAY

Dave and Elaine are in the front seat of Jerry's car, driving through the streets of New York. Elaine is driving.

DAVE
Thanks for having lunch with me, Elaine. It's nice to see you again.

ELAINE
Ditto...I mean, it's nice to see you again too, Dave.

DAVE
I still don't understand what happened yesterday.

ELAINE
That's George for you. We're still trying to understand him.

DAVE
Well I won't charge him for making a false police call.
(smiles at Elaine)
Since he's your friend.

ELAINE
(beginning to be irritated)
Gee thanks.

Dave keeps smiling at Elaine as he casually looks over at the speedometer.

DAVE
You're speeding, you know.

ELAINE
What? I'm only doing thirty, for Pete's sake!

DAVE
The speed limit on city streets, unless posted otherwise, is twenty-five miles per hour.

ELAINE
(angry)
It's only five miles per hour over then!

DAVE
It's still speeding Elaine. Don't think that just because I find you attractive I will let you break the law.

ELAINE
(really angry)
What!
(pause)
Well what about this?

Elaine hits the gas and the car lurches forward.

DAVE
Slow down, Elaine, don't make me give you a ticket!

ELAINE
You wouldn't dare!

Dave just stares at her.

TRANSITION

EXT. NEW YORK STREET -- DAY

Jerry and Kramer are walking along a street that is piled high with putrid bags of rotting garbage. It is the same street that Kramer was on before. They are looking for Marlena.

KRAMER
This is where she was before, talking to some garbage men. I don't know where she is now.

JERRY
(wrinkling his nose)
This smell is awful! It's terrible! It's worse than that B.O. that was in my car! I didn't think it was possible.

KRAMER
It stinks. But we're on a mission. Let's go find some garbage men and see if they'll tell us about Marlena.

They continue to walk down the street.

JERRY
You know, I always thought that we could combine the jobs of policeman and garbage men. All day long...

KRAMER
(interrupting)
I've heard this one.

JERRY
No you didn't.

KRAMER
Oh...yes, I did.

JERRY
Can I finish it?

Some garbage men arrive on the street riding bicycles.

KRAMER
Do you have to?
(sees the garbage men)
Wait, Jerry. There's some garbage men. Let's see if they know Marlena.

JERRY
Hold on, Kramer. We can't just walk up to them and say, "Nice piles of garbage you got here. By the way, do you know Marlena?" They'll think we're some kind of spies. And why are they on bicycles? What's the deal with that?

KRAMER
Jerry, they're garbage men! What can they do? Watch me.

Kramer runs out in front of the group of bicycling garbage men. The group includes FIRST GARBAGE MAN and SECOND GARBAGE MAN. First Garbage Man only stops when he runs into Kramer with his bike.


FIRST GARBAGE MAN
She told us that the whole city is putrid! All we have to do next is...
(hits Kramer)
Hey, what's going on? Who are you?

Kramer splatters onto the street and quickly picks himself back up.

KRAMER
I'm Kramer.

SECOND GARBAGE MAN
What's a Kramer?

KRAMER
I'm looking for a woman named Marlena. Do you know her?

The garbage men look around like they are suspicious. They look at Jerry, who is standing apart from the group.

FIRST GARBAGE MAN
(points at Jerry)
Who's that?

KRAMER
Oh, he's with me.

SECOND GARBAGE MAN
We don't even know who you are yet!

FIRST GARBAGE MAN
What do you want with Marlena anyway?

Jerry has been studying the bike that the first garbage man is riding.

JERRY
Hey, wait a minute. This is George's bike! This is the bike that Marlena stole!


KRAMER
(kind of scared)
Uh, Jerry, this may not be the best time to bring that up.

The garbage men advance on Jerry and Kramer, pick them up, and toss them into the stinking piles of garbage.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP ON TOP OF PILE OF GARBAGE BAGS

Jerry and Kramer are lying on their backs on the top of the bags.

JERRY
Kramer! Look what you got us into!

KRAMER
(does a double-take)
Me? You're the one who got all accusatory!
(pause)
And now, we really stink!

JERRY
Can I finish my story now?

KRAMER
Go ahead.

JERRY
Make cops into garbage men! When they see a crime, stop it. The rest of the time, pick up that broom.

Kramer just looks at him.

JERRY
Well, I feel better.
TRANSITION

EXT. A PARK -- DAY

George and Gloria are jogging. George is puffing, barely able to catch up with Gloria who is not even sweating.

GEORGE
(wheezy)
gusto...gusto...(pant)...gusto

TRANSITION

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

Elaine lets herself into Jerry's apartment. Dave follows her in. They are talking as they enter. They head over to the couch, where Elaine plops down.

DAVE
I really don't think it is a good idea to let yourself into Jerry's apartment when he's not here even if he did lend you his car.

ELAINE
(holds up key)
I got the key, Dave. I'm not going to wait out in the hallway when I have a perfectly good key to use. Besides, Jerry's my friend.

DAVE
(romantically)
Well I was hoping that we could go somewhere where the mood was more...

ELAINE
(interrupting)
You lost any chance at mood when you gave me that speeding ticket, buster.

DAVE
Well, you were speeding.

ELAINE
Dave, I really think that I need to be alone now.

DAVE
Oh, Elaine, you aren't going to hold that ticket against me, are you?
(pause)
Can I use your bathroom?

ELAINE
What are you asking me for? It's not my bathroom.

Dave goes into the bathroom.

ELAINE
(smiles)
Jerry's really going to hate that. Ha!

Elaine hears someone outside at Kramer's door. She hops up off of the couch and goes to the door. She flings open the door. Marlena is knocking on Kramer's door.

ELAINE
(disappointed)
Oh, I thought you were Kramer.

MARLENA
Do you know where he is? I am Marlena.

ELAINE
Oh hi! I've heard all about you. I'm Elaine, a friend of Kramer's. Actually I was a friend of Jerry's but...
(pause)
hey, wait, can you come in here a second? I'm trying to get rid of Dave the cop and he just won't leave!

MARLENA
(suspicious)
A cop?

Elaine drags Marlena into Jerry's apartment.

ELAINE
(whispering)
He won't leave! You know how that is...

Dave comes out of the bathroom.

ELAINE
Dave, this is my friend, Marlena. I forgot that we were supposed to do something together now. So, see you later?

Dave is studying Marlena, who is trying to avoid his stare. Elaine grabs Dave by the arm and leads him to the door.

DAVE
Marlena, hmmm. Don't I know you from somewhere.

MARLENA
No.

ELAINE
Thanks a lot for lunch and the ticket and everything, Dave. Bye!

Elaine pushes Dave out of the apartment. Elaine and Marlena just smile at one another.

CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY

Jerry exits the elevator and makes his way to his apartment. NEWMAN, his nose wrinkling, sticks his head out of his apartment.

JERRY
Hello, Newman.

NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry. What's that smell?

Jerry just looks around. Newman sniffs and sniffs and finally sniffs up to Jerry.

NEWMAN
It's you. Boy, you really stink!

Dave comes walking down the hallway.

NEWMAN
Officer, hey, officer. This guy really stinks! Can't you cite him for something?

DAVE
(also wrinkling his nose)
Jerry, is that smell coming from you? Maybe I should write this up.

JERRY
(looking around)
Hey, wait a minute, we're in the hallway! The hall! We're in the hall! The Hall Monitor strikes again!

While Jerry, Newman, and Dave are arguing, they do not see Marlena, walking Jerry's bike, slip by and into the elevator.


TRANSITION


INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT -- EVENING

Elaine is sitting on the sofa in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is just coming out of the bathroom. He is wearing a bathrobe and using a towel to dry his hair. He is speaking to Elaine as he moves over to the kitchen.

JERRY
So not only did you let Marlena steal my bike, but you let the Hall Monitor use my bathroom! My holy of holies.

ELAINE
Lay off. I had a bad day too! Dave gave me a ticket!

Jerry is making himself a bowl of cereal.

JERRY
So as a reward, you let him use my bathroom?

The door buzzer rings. Jerry goes over to it and pushes the button.

JERRY
Yeah?

GEORGE'S VOICE
It's George.

JERRY
Come on up.
(to Elaine)
And just how did Marlena get my bike?

ELAINE
(sheepishly grinning)
I had to use your bathroom too.

JERRY
Well, that just makes my day complete. I get thrown in the garbage, I get a citation for stinking up a hallway from the Hall Monitor, two people used my bathroom with no advance warning, and my bike was stolen.

ELAINE
Are you finished?

JERRY
I was attached to that bike. We'd been through a lot together.

ELAINE
At least you didn't have to go out with the Hall Monitor.

JERRY
I warned you.
(pause, then to himself)
I've never seen anyone have a worse day than I've had.

George enters the apartment walking as if he does not want his feet to touch the ground. He is wearing a sweaty sweat suit and is carrying his running shoes.

GEORGE
(with every step)
Ouch! Blisters!...Ouch! Blisters!

He goes and sits down.

JERRY
Are you okay, George?

GEORGE
I've come to the conclusion that I am not cut out to date an athlete.

JERRY
What happened? Where's Gloria the athlete?

GEORGE
We went out for a run. Grabbing that gusto. I tried faking a broken ankle--no go. I tried an asthma attack, cramps--it only slowed her down. We finally made it to that track in the park. We ran and she started lapping me. Once...twice...the third time, she kept running.
(pause)
I guess we broke up.
(to Elaine)
Did Dave get my bike back yet?

ELAINE
No. As far as I care, he can take that bike and shove....

JERRY
(interrupting)
Easy, Laney.

George sits down on the sofa next to Elaine. Jerry comes over and joins them, all looking depressed.

JERRY
So let's see if we can sum up here. We have two stolen bikes, two tickets, two lost significant others and numerous blisters. Did I leave anything out?

ELAINE
(smiling)
Yeah, two people used your bathroom!

GEORGE
(to Jerry)
Somebody stole your bike, too?

JERRY
Yeah. Marlena did.

GEORGE
Shoulda got a Kryptonite.
(pause)
Nobody's going to grab for the gusto now.

Kramer enters. He looks at the three on the sofa and then heads into Jerry's bedroom. He has showered since being hoisted into the trash.

KRAMER
(from inside the bedroom)
Jerry, don't you have any Cool Water left?


JERRY
I might be out. Use something else!

Kramer comes out of the bedroom.

KRAMER
But I need Cool Water, Jerry. I gotta have it! It's Marlena's favorite.

JERRY
You're going out with Marlena? Do you know that she stole my bike?

KRAMER
Yep.

GEORGE
And my bike?

KRAMER
Yep.
JERRY
And she got us thrown into a pile of garbage? Not to mention the fact that she is apparently plotting the violent overthrow of the city of New York?

KRAMER
Yeah? So?

JERRY
So? You're still going out with her?

KRAMER
Yep.

JERRY
Why?

KRAMER
(smiling)
Mystery, Jerry! Mystery!

THE END



Go back to Act One